A New Kid A New Challenge
I allow them to hold to the top of the soil. Just enough to keep me sustained during the cold nights alone. This allows me to never completely settle upon any one place, allowing me to detach in a moments notice.
I make friends, but I don't get too close. It's hard sometimes not too, you find some great friends and you want to become best friends, but you know you could be moving at any time. Some places, unfortunately never allow me to make friends.
I show up as the new kid and am instantly placed as an outcast. Some schools are harsher than others, I realize this now. But it is challenging to always be the new kid, to always have to establish yourself. I'm always feeling underestimated for my value as a person, as a friend.
Some places, people greet me well and fast. Yet, being the new kid their is still that hostility from the usual bullies of the school. There is no way around it, you're new, you're fresh meat for these guys. I do my best to stay away from them, it has taken me a few moves to see this.
That it is best to keep to yourself and not let them get to close. If they never see you, they have nothing to make fun of. Plus they can't draw any attention to themselves or you. Moving so much, I constantly feel empty.
It has been a long time since our family has had a real home. My father works for the government and what ever he does it forces us to move a lot. It is tiresome, I am growing, trying to figure out this whole thing called life. Yet here we are moving from place to place. I don't even know what to say when people ask me where I am from.
Now, I just say earth, most laugh, some shrug it off and accept me as their own. I prefer not talk about my constant moving, many people construed it as me being poor and not able to afford anything nice. Which is somewhat true, my family is not the wealthiest of people, but by no means do we struggle.
I think we struggle emotionally though, we love each other but our conversations to get to know each other is minimal. I only know the basics of my parents, where they are from, their parents, and how they met. Nothing of their hobbies, dislikes, adventures they had as kids and what they have learned throughout life.
Maybe, they are just too busy, or maybe, family isn't as important as I think they think it is. But either way, I love them. I feel they are trying their best and I hope so, cuz I know I am. Just keeping it all together each time I say good bye to move on to the next place hurts.
I have become a pillar of strength in the process as well though. It took some time, understanding the rough terrain I have to traverse and the challenges that lay within the down times. Being the constant target of jerks is the worse. Holy crap, you have to learn to be tough and let that stuff roll of your back.
They have nothing better to do than try and make themselves feel good. They want to act as if they are better than you, than me, but they are not. They only have like, one or two friends and even they get pushed around by the lead jerk of the school.
I guess, through all this constant change, I have understood that life is always changing, people are always out to get you, but only a few, most the world is great! Through these challenges you can either roll over and break into a million pieces and become useless.
Or you can smile, pick up your back pack and head to the next destination and use what tools you've gained from the last adventure and use it on the next. It is hard saying goodbye and I fall apart from time to time, but I always get back up now. I have had to grow up fast and it has been tough, but one thing my mother said to me, that has truly stuck with me,
"We are not where we sleep, we are what we are in our hearts. And what we think of ourselves is how we will act. So think well of yourselves and always be out to understand you. Never....never hide behind a mask no matter how difficult life treats you, be open with your pain but don't let be a crutch and never, ever, hand it off to anyone. You can ask for a hand, but never a lift."
The first part of that really sticks to me. When she said that, that was the first day I started writing myself down in a journal. Which has given me much reason to keep moving forward.
I wrote this because as a kid I had a similar experience, but never understood how to stay strong or learn to better myself and learn to grow against the constant change and bullies.
If I knew what this story knew, I think I would have turned out differently. I saw difficulty as reason for me to stop trying, that it was the world around me crushing me. But it was me, crushing me, I believed what people said about me.
Taking the time to stop bullying I think is futile, but if we can as people help each other understand to learn about yourself and how to grow mentally. Then bullies will be but a back drop of noise.
What do you think?
More to be read and thought about in, A Man's Traveled Heart
Coming soon, The Bleeding of Words.
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