Hi, My name is Micah Park Biffle, I am the author of ' A Man's Traveled Heart,' I am a Veteran who found in understanding of my self through writing. I consider myself an architect of the imagination. Here you will see my creations come to life. My short stories, poems, my thoughts, and a little touch of my life. (I AM SLOWLY MOVING OF BLOGGER< FOR NEW STORIES PLEASE CLICK THE "MEDIUM" LINK TO THE LEFT)
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What I Wouldn't Do Differently
What I Wouldn't Do Differently,
We all go through times when we
make a decision and at that moment we accept it, we act upon it. Then, after
that moment or maybe, days, weeks, months, down the road we regret the
decision. The action we chose that we regret, can often burn for long
time. And it will burn in any kind of weather. Leaving our soul scarred with a charred memory we wish to forget. But we find ourselves
lost in the constant loop of playing that moment in our heads on a looping reel and
think what we would have done differently, should have done.
There is nothing quite like the feeling of regret. It’s like
having an itch on the bottom of your foot while you are wearing your shoes and
not matter how hard you try you can't scratch it. It only becomes more noticeable the
more you try to ignore it. Till finally, you take off your shoe and scratch it and
instantly you get this gratifying satisfaction of relieving your foot of the annoyance. You have an almost living ecstasy
throughout your entire body. All just from scratching your foot.
Regret, regret can be handle in the same way. Not exactly the same,
you can't just remove your soul from your body and scratch the regret away. But
you can remove the itch of regret or rather the pain of regret. See, there was
a time in my life where I had everything I wanted, I was exactly where I wanted
to be. I had reached far beyond what I thought I was capable of and I went way
beyond what others thought I could do. I became a small legend in the circle of my friends. I had become something very few people have ever become. And those who
do, usually fall out after only a few months and quit. And ultimately, I did, I
quit after about a year of reaching my dream. A dream that took every ounce of
sweat, tears, and blood to make it. And I truthfully used all three to make it.
What dream did I accomplish? That, I cannot tell you yet, that is to be saved
for my future book. All I can say, is for seven years after, that dream haunted my
soul and diminished any thought of what I was truly capable of.
After failing out of my dream, I felt like a complete loser, a
failure, (Honestly, I was, I quit my dream and left all my hard work behind),
but I am not failure anymore. For the longest time, I always wanted to go back
to my dream and try again. To do it all over and prove that this time I can
make it all the way through the pains, the mental, physical, and spiritual
pains of gaining it. But those times have past and I must accept it. And rather,
it’s not the quitting of the dream that really stuck my soul. But the way in
which I quit, it was a coward’s way out and truthfully, the most pathetic way
to fail. I never even took the time to ask for help. I blinded myself in lies of my own head and asking for help in the line of work I was in, was not something you do.
But times have changed and so I have I. The fact I was able to
achieve what I did, with who I was at the time, is still astonishing. I was not
someone that should have made it, even those who were already there believed I could not make it. I was not
the brightest, strongest, or the most unique person out there. But I was
determined down to the very cell of my body. And that gives me hope, gives me
faith in myself. It shows that when I put my whole being into something, there
is no telling what is possible. But the second I choose to let things slide, is
the moment a dream can start to roll downhill. And when that happens, it
becomes very difficult to stop it and roll it back up hill. Chasing a dream you
will let it slide often, but letting it slide like I did. Takes many many lies
to yourself and lack of attention to let it roll downhill all the way.
Now that being said, this whole dream I failed, it has become a
lesson and a tool for my current dream. I know the feeling of deep cutting regret
and it cuts deep, it cuts to the soul and bleeds you dry. But I would do
nothing differently. Okay maybe I would, but honestly I would be kidding myself
if my whole heart would be in it. It wouldn’t be, I have too much I love now
and have sacrificed a lot to get where I am. It’s not the fact that I want to
do it again, it’s the fact I want to achieve a dream and become my ultimate
self again. And I am working on that, day in and down out. Even if it as simple
as just reading a book on something that will help me achieve that.
It took me a long time to figure out how to get past the suffering
of regret. It is a heavy gate to push and tough key to find to unlock the gate.
But it can be done, only through pure perseverance and constant tending to grow
the mind, body, and soul. But it is possible. The biggest help for me getting over it was through a
program called, Personal Power Two, from Tony Robbins. For years I
thought these inspirational speakers were jokes. But they are only jokes when
you do not believe in yourself or your dreams. You don't believe them when you
don't want to face yourself. But there came a time when I had to, when I did.
And thank God I did, because if I didn't, I would probably still be drinking
till I forgot my day.
Anyway, in the program he talks about visioning a regret or just a
painful time in life. To place that image in your mind as detailed as possible. Remember
how you felt in that moment, how others were looking at you and talking to you.
Remember as much as you can and let it all sink in. Then, stand in a confident
stance, close your eyes and start living in that moment. Once you are there,
start to replace things in the memory with things that make you laugh. If there
are people in the memory that spoke poorly to you, make them turn into people
that are melting or have funny faces, or become animals that you love. Do this
for a minute and gradually work up to a few minutes. But really live in the
memory, let the feelings of the memory consume your body. Then replace as much
of it as you want till the memory becomes nothing but a simple memory like that
of just another day in life.
See, we make terrible decisions through life and we judge
ourselves harshly without knowing what we are still capable of and what is still to come . And sadly, people judge others of these decisions as if they have
done no wrong. But you find me someone with no sins and I will find you someone
living that does not breathe. There is no way anyone walks this earth without regrets,
whether its small regret or a large regret. And you can be damn sure no one
walks around without mistakes on their shoulders. No one is perfect and we too
often treat ourselves like we should be. Now, that doesn’t me do what you want
and cause all the pain you can to yourself because it can be taken away by a
simple action of molding the painful memory. Or that we are not meant to be perfect so why does it matter? It means to be aware of what you
are still able to do and what lies ahead.
There are many things I "think" I would do again. But
truthfully, why? I have so much more to give and so much more to live for. So
what, I threw something I loved dearly, at least I thought I did. If I truly
did, I would have not tossed it away. Its not that we don’t know what we have
till we lose it. It’s that we don't truly care from the start. There is some
other motive behind it all and it may be a subconscious motive, that we don't
see till later.
At this point in my life, with everything I pushed for and
accomplished, which is still minuscule to the dream I had originally accomplished.
I would change and do nothing differently. I merely look at my past as if I am
driving down a road I drive every day and maybe I will notice something I have
never noticed before. In turn, learning something from it. Or, nothing at all
and I go about my business. Life is not about the past nor the pain we suffer.
But about those we effect positively, the lessons we learn from the pain and mistakes, the growth we give
ourselves, and what we give back to the world. We are all going to end up
in the same place, so why stick around the past like some addict to his
favorite bar? Drop the past and live for your future and love yourself. Before regret becomes the bottom of bottle, a bottle of pills, hopeless job, or a pool of self-pity. Life is beautiful, strong, and exciting and so are you. (What are your thoughts on regret?)
The Blameful Two The world broke as their hearts bled the shadows of their misery. Seeping upon the world, flooding with the scars of agony. Their eyes trembling beneath the moonlight as their blood stained hands shimmer. Their lips sewn as each is caught in a lie. Both bare, exposed to their duality. Their curtains drawn thus unmasks the bodies they have slain. The skeletons of truth dragged through the spoils of deceit. Each, unwilling to speak. Their cheeks flush in rose petals. Their skin taut to the anxiety of their arrest. They are now the victims of themselves and each the other. Two hell's preached in the underbelly of their weakness. The fraudulent thought in avoidance of pain. And now they stand as nude as the beginning of life, Adam and Eve. Shaking, they are without words. Silent, bearing only tears that fall to the blood soaked floors. The dark whirlpools of hypocrisy. Neither is without sin and neither is without murder. Their souls weep dearly as they riot to esca…
I found myself walking in the snow, my head aching with a sharp pain. I feel the back of my head, there is something crusted upon the rear of my skull. I dig my nail carefully into it. I can feel the crust collect beneath my nail like dirt.
As my feet trudge through the sixteen inches of snow I look to my nail and there in my nail is blood. Dried cells of my body. Upon seeing this I become confused with worry. I place my hand once again upon my bloodied skull and began to examine it.
I slide my index finger like the bristle of a broom, back and forth trying to see what wound had allowed such blood upon me. But after several seconds of feeling about, I find nothing. No scratches, no lacerations, nothing.
My worried confusion musters down to mere confusion. I rub my eyes as I am strangely held with a slight daze. As if I have been interrupted from a deep sleep. And the evening air is not helping my situation.
I am comfortably wrapped for a day trip, but the su…
The aroma of tea tickles the air as I wake with the embrace of a morning sun. Stepping out of my bed tossing my sheets from their grasp. I make my way to the view from my window. The soft touch of snow had settled upon the grounds in the silent wisp of the night.
It's a spectacle to behold. A pleasure for the eye as the dim barren ground beneath it is no more. But I can't help but think of him. I can't help but remember his virile touch. How it gives me such comfort, such protection. His smile of ivory and his scent that raises me with elation.
Our time spent apart has been difficult but, he is living his dream, his sought after passion and how dare I ever be one to wish him to fray from it. All for the sake of my own need of him. We are both creatures that have clung to our dreams with great vigor.
Neither has left the side of our hearts and we are each formidable in our arenas. We shall never back down though many nights are cold, alone. Many days ar…