Hi, My name is Micah Park Biffle, I am the author of ' A Man's Traveled Heart,' I am a Veteran who found his way back through writing. I consider myself an architect of the imagination. Here you will see my creations come to life. My short stories, poems, my thoughts, and a little touch of my life.
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What I Wouldn't Do Differently
What I Wouldn't Do Differently,
We all go through times when we
make a decision and at that moment we accept it, we act upon it. Then, after
that moment or maybe, days, weeks, months, down the road we regret the
decision. The action we chose that we regret, can often burn for long
time. And it will burn in any kind of weather. Leaving our soul scarred with a charred memory we wish to forget. But we find ourselves
lost in the constant loop of playing that moment in our heads on a looping reel and
think what we would have done differently, should have done.
There is nothing quite like the feeling of regret. It’s like
having an itch on the bottom of your foot while you are wearing your shoes and
not matter how hard you try you can't scratch it. It only becomes more noticeable the
more you try to ignore it. Till finally, you take off your shoe and scratch it and
instantly you get this gratifying satisfaction of relieving your foot of the annoyance. You have an almost living ecstasy
throughout your entire body. All just from scratching your foot.
Regret, regret can be handle in the same way. Not exactly the same,
you can't just remove your soul from your body and scratch the regret away. But
you can remove the itch of regret or rather the pain of regret. See, there was
a time in my life where I had everything I wanted, I was exactly where I wanted
to be. I had reached far beyond what I thought I was capable of and I went way
beyond what others thought I could do. I became a small legend in the circle of my friends. I had become something very few people have ever become. And those who
do, usually fall out after only a few months and quit. And ultimately, I did, I
quit after about a year of reaching my dream. A dream that took every ounce of
sweat, tears, and blood to make it. And I truthfully used all three to make it.
What dream did I accomplish? That, I cannot tell you yet, that is to be saved
for my future book. All I can say, is for seven years after, that dream haunted my
soul and diminished any thought of what I was truly capable of.
After failing out of my dream, I felt like a complete loser, a
failure, (Honestly, I was, I quit my dream and left all my hard work behind),
but I am not failure anymore. For the longest time, I always wanted to go back
to my dream and try again. To do it all over and prove that this time I can
make it all the way through the pains, the mental, physical, and spiritual
pains of gaining it. But those times have past and I must accept it. And rather,
it’s not the quitting of the dream that really stuck my soul. But the way in
which I quit, it was a coward’s way out and truthfully, the most pathetic way
to fail. I never even took the time to ask for help. I blinded myself in lies of my own head and asking for help in the line of work I was in, was not something you do.
But times have changed and so I have I. The fact I was able to
achieve what I did, with who I was at the time, is still astonishing. I was not
someone that should have made it, even those who were already there believed I could not make it. I was not
the brightest, strongest, or the most unique person out there. But I was
determined down to the very cell of my body. And that gives me hope, gives me
faith in myself. It shows that when I put my whole being into something, there
is no telling what is possible. But the second I choose to let things slide, is
the moment a dream can start to roll downhill. And when that happens, it
becomes very difficult to stop it and roll it back up hill. Chasing a dream you
will let it slide often, but letting it slide like I did. Takes many many lies
to yourself and lack of attention to let it roll downhill all the way.
Now that being said, this whole dream I failed, it has become a
lesson and a tool for my current dream. I know the feeling of deep cutting regret
and it cuts deep, it cuts to the soul and bleeds you dry. But I would do
nothing differently. Okay maybe I would, but honestly I would be kidding myself
if my whole heart would be in it. It wouldn’t be, I have too much I love now
and have sacrificed a lot to get where I am. It’s not the fact that I want to
do it again, it’s the fact I want to achieve a dream and become my ultimate
self again. And I am working on that, day in and down out. Even if it as simple
as just reading a book on something that will help me achieve that.
It took me a long time to figure out how to get past the suffering
of regret. It is a heavy gate to push and tough key to find to unlock the gate.
But it can be done, only through pure perseverance and constant tending to grow
the mind, body, and soul. But it is possible. The biggest help for me getting over it was through a
program called, Personal Power Two, from Tony Robbins. For years I
thought these inspirational speakers were jokes. But they are only jokes when
you do not believe in yourself or your dreams. You don't believe them when you
don't want to face yourself. But there came a time when I had to, when I did.
And thank God I did, because if I didn't, I would probably still be drinking
till I forgot my day.
Anyway, in the program he talks about visioning a regret or just a
painful time in life. To place that image in your mind as detailed as possible. Remember
how you felt in that moment, how others were looking at you and talking to you.
Remember as much as you can and let it all sink in. Then, stand in a confident
stance, close your eyes and start living in that moment. Once you are there,
start to replace things in the memory with things that make you laugh. If there
are people in the memory that spoke poorly to you, make them turn into people
that are melting or have funny faces, or become animals that you love. Do this
for a minute and gradually work up to a few minutes. But really live in the
memory, let the feelings of the memory consume your body. Then replace as much
of it as you want till the memory becomes nothing but a simple memory like that
of just another day in life.
See, we make terrible decisions through life and we judge
ourselves harshly without knowing what we are still capable of and what is still to come . And sadly, people judge others of these decisions as if they have
done no wrong. But you find me someone with no sins and I will find you someone
living that does not breathe. There is no way anyone walks this earth without regrets,
whether its small regret or a large regret. And you can be damn sure no one
walks around without mistakes on their shoulders. No one is perfect and we too
often treat ourselves like we should be. Now, that doesn’t me do what you want
and cause all the pain you can to yourself because it can be taken away by a
simple action of molding the painful memory. Or that we are not meant to be perfect so why does it matter? It means to be aware of what you
are still able to do and what lies ahead.
There are many things I "think" I would do again. But
truthfully, why? I have so much more to give and so much more to live for. So
what, I threw something I loved dearly, at least I thought I did. If I truly
did, I would have not tossed it away. Its not that we don’t know what we have
till we lose it. It’s that we don't truly care from the start. There is some
other motive behind it all and it may be a subconscious motive, that we don't
see till later.
At this point in my life, with everything I pushed for and
accomplished, which is still minuscule to the dream I had originally accomplished.
I would change and do nothing differently. I merely look at my past as if I am
driving down a road I drive every day and maybe I will notice something I have
never noticed before. In turn, learning something from it. Or, nothing at all
and I go about my business. Life is not about the past nor the pain we suffer.
But about those we effect positively, the lessons we learn from the pain and mistakes, the growth we give
ourselves, and what we give back to the world. We are all going to end up
in the same place, so why stick around the past like some addict to his
favorite bar? Drop the past and live for your future and love yourself. Before regret becomes the bottom of bottle, a bottle of pills, hopeless job, or a pool of self-pity. Life is beautiful, strong, and exciting and so are you. (What are your thoughts on regret?)
The Scar of War And His Suicide To Escape It
He returned with a heavy heart. With a fierce storm raging in rain, thunder, and dark clouds. Memories of war collided beneath his chest. His lost brothers he could feel in the very bones of his soul. Nothing felt the same in this place he called home.
No words could describe the surmountable anguish that tore each second at his mind, creating a vast chasm. Loneliness slowly consumed him. Leaving him branded as a mental case, coming unhinged to reality. Drowning in the constant flavor of hops. Leaving no moment to be sober. Covering the storm with another, that if the fog became to thick to see, then his pain did not exist.
Flooded with anxiety of what he left behind in the chaos of war. He could not escape the nagging of all the thoughts he prayed to forget. Tarnished he felt, guilty, burdened, he felt far from a hero. Though each friend, each member of his family embraced him as one.
And on each night of his return, he sat at that foot o…
A Boy and A War
The train had just left the station, his thoughts creep with nostalgia as he watches is home fade into the horizon. His chest holds a nervous wreck, only seventeen and knows nothing beyond his home. He wears an old green t-shirt with red lettering that reads, The Red Menace is real.
His hair short, cut in the manner of a well respected boy. His eyes glitter with sadness as he has to leave everything behind. He knew this day would come but he wasn't ready, he had just graduated high school and was ready for adventure.
But now, he is well pressed into the chaos of the world. About to be armed in the fighting against a world enemy. For months he had heard the stories and updates of the war on the nightly radio. But it was all too surreal that he will now be part of such stories.
He can still hear the radio announcer speaking of the enemy bombarding the world as if to rid it of cancer. As the train moves further from his home he can still feel the tears of his mother…
To those that are depressed, I bring you these words and hope they fill the belly of your soul and nourish your heart,
Today, may be tougher than the former or maybe not. Maybe, today is like any other day, you struggling to remove yourself from your bed is but a wishful feat and nothing more. As you are coiled in the monotony of sadness that seeps from you like foul breath; from a desperate evening of melancholy. Maybe, the mere action to place a smile upon your face may feel like lifting the world from your chest.
I know these feelings well, I know them as well as I know the color of my eyes. I know when even a sunrise is no more joyful than a slaved day at work. When the world is pressing you into the unimaginable sinking of despair.
Where the air is thin but anxious thoughts a rabid. Where colors fade and all you see is grey and the whispers of death sound so sweet. Maybe you have fallen much further than I, where the act of infliction's don't jus…