What I Wouldn't Do Differently

What I Wouldn't Do Differently,

We all go through times when we make a decision and at that moment we accept it, we act upon it. Then, after that moment or maybe, days, weeks, months, down the road we regret the decision. The action we chose that we regret, can often burn  for long time. And it will burn in any kind of weather. Leaving our soul scarred with a charred memory we wish to forget.  But we find ourselves lost in the constant loop of playing that moment in our heads on a looping reel and think what we would have done differently, should have done. 

There is nothing quite like the feeling of regret. It’s like having an itch on the bottom of your foot while you are wearing your shoes and not matter how hard you try you can't scratch it. It only becomes more noticeable the more you try to ignore it. Till finally, you take off your shoe and scratch it and instantly you get this gratifying satisfaction of relieving your foot of the annoyance. You have an almost living ecstasy  throughout your entire body. All just from scratching your foot. 

Regret, regret can be handle in the same way. Not exactly the same, you can't just remove your soul from your body and scratch the regret away. But you can remove the itch of regret or rather the pain of regret. See, there was a time in my life where I had everything I wanted, I was exactly where I wanted to be. I had reached far beyond what I thought I was capable of and I went way beyond what others thought I could do. I became a small legend in the circle of my friends. I had become something very few people have ever become. And those who do, usually fall out after only a few months and quit. And ultimately, I did, I quit after about a year of reaching my dream. A dream that took every ounce of sweat, tears, and blood to make it. And I truthfully used all three to make it. What dream did I accomplish? That, I cannot tell you yet, that is to be saved for my future book. All I can say, is for seven years after, that dream haunted my soul and diminished any thought of what I was truly capable of. 

After failing out of my dream, I felt like a complete loser, a failure, (Honestly, I was, I quit my dream and left all my hard work behind), but I am not failure anymore. For the longest time, I always wanted to go back to my dream and try again. To do it all over and prove that this time I can make it all the way through the pains, the mental, physical, and spiritual pains of gaining it. But those times have past and I must accept it. And rather, it’s not the quitting of the dream that really stuck my soul. But the way in which I quit, it was a coward’s way out and truthfully, the most pathetic way to fail.  I never even took the time to ask for help.  I blinded myself in lies of my own head and asking for help in the line of work I was in, was not something you do.  

But times have changed and so I have I. The fact I was able to achieve what I did, with who I was at the time, is still astonishing. I was not someone that should have made it, even those who were already there believed I could not make it. I was not the brightest, strongest, or the most unique person out there. But I was determined down to the very cell of my body. And that gives me hope, gives me faith in myself. It shows that when I put my whole being into something, there is no telling what is possible. But the second I choose to let things slide, is the moment a dream can start to roll downhill. And when that happens, it becomes very difficult to stop it and roll it back up hill. Chasing a dream you will let it slide often, but letting it slide like I did. Takes many many lies to yourself and lack of attention to let it roll downhill all the way. 

Now that being said, this whole dream I failed, it has become a lesson and a tool for my current dream. I know the feeling of deep cutting regret and it cuts deep, it cuts to the soul and bleeds you dry. But I would do nothing differently. Okay maybe I would, but honestly I would be kidding myself if my whole heart would be in it. It wouldn’t be, I have too much I love now and have sacrificed a lot to get where I am. It’s not the fact that I want to do it again, it’s the fact I want to achieve a dream and become my ultimate self again. And I am working on that, day in and down out. Even if it as simple as just reading a book on something that will help me achieve that. 

It took me a long time to figure out how to get past the suffering of regret. It is a heavy gate to push and tough key to find to unlock the gate. But it can be done, only through pure perseverance and constant tending to grow the mind, body, and soul. But it is possible. The biggest help for me getting over it was through a program called, Personal Power Two, from Tony Robbins. For years I thought these inspirational speakers were jokes. But they are only jokes when you do not believe in yourself or your dreams. You don't believe them when you don't want to face yourself. But there came a time when I had to, when I did. And thank God I did, because if I didn't, I would probably still be drinking till I forgot my day. 

Anyway, in the program he talks about visioning a regret or just a painful time in life. To place that image in your mind as detailed as possible. Remember how you felt in that moment, how others were looking at you and talking to you. Remember as much as you can and let it all sink in. Then, stand in a confident stance, close your eyes and start living in that moment. Once you are there, start to replace things in the memory with things that make you laugh. If there are people in the memory that spoke poorly to you, make them turn into people that are melting or have funny faces, or become animals that you love. Do this for a minute and gradually work up to a few minutes. But really live in the memory, let the feelings of the memory consume your body. Then replace as much of it as you want till the memory becomes nothing but a simple memory like that of just another day in life.

See, we make terrible decisions through life and we judge ourselves harshly without knowing what we are still capable of and what is still to come . And sadly, people judge others of these decisions as if they have done no wrong. But you find me someone with no sins and I will find you someone living that does not breathe. There is no way anyone walks this earth without regrets, whether its small regret or a large regret. And you can be damn sure no one walks around without mistakes on their shoulders. No one is perfect and we too often treat ourselves like we should be. Now, that doesn’t me do what you want and cause all the pain you can to yourself because it can be taken away by a simple action of molding the painful memory. Or that we are not meant to be perfect so why does it matter? It means to be aware of what you are still able to do and what lies ahead. 

There are many things I "think" I would do again. But truthfully, why? I have so much more to give and so much more to live for. So what, I threw something I loved dearly, at least I thought I did. If I truly did, I would have not tossed it away. Its not that we don’t know what we have till we lose it. It’s that we don't truly care from the start. There is some other motive behind it all and it may be a subconscious motive, that we don't see till later. 

At this point in my life, with everything I pushed for and accomplished, which is still minuscule to the dream I had originally accomplished. I would change and do nothing differently. I merely look at my past as if I am driving down a road I drive every day and maybe I will notice something I have never noticed before. In turn, learning something from it. Or, nothing at all and I go about my business. Life is not about the past nor the pain we suffer. But about those we effect positively, the lessons we learn from the pain and mistakes, the growth we give ourselves, and what we give back to the world.  We are all going to end up in the same place, so why stick around the past like some addict to his favorite bar? Drop the past and live for your future and love yourself. Before regret becomes the bottom of bottle, a bottle of pills, hopeless job, or a pool of self-pity. Life is beautiful, strong, and exciting and so are you. 

(What are your thoughts on regret?)