Why I Struggle To Write

I'm not going to lie, writing is a huge passion of mine but it can be a struggle to start writing. I sometimes wish that my thoughts could just write themselves. It gets overwhelming with the idea of having to put my thoughts and creations onto paper. I worry that I am going to make something terrible or that I wont do enough writing in the day to get to where I want to be. Some days are even worse than others, like today. Today I wanted to relax and hold off on writing. Actually, I didn't want to relax, I wanted to give up, to stop, to throw away my writing and raise the white flag in exhaustion of tears. Many may think that is a contradiction to something that I hold immense passion to. You might think, if you are passionate about it, why would it be tough to do? I'll tell you why, I hold myself up too high of standards of what I believe is good work. I tend to put myself in a position where my results better be outstanding, or what is the point in doing it? Another reason is my own mind, my own worlds within myself. See, I believe we all have two worlds in us, the good and the bad, the weak and the strong, the creator and the destroyer, the predator and prey. Sadly, the prey is the dominate side in all of us I believe. Our brains are wired to keep us alive anything that does not add to that survival must be stopped and thrown away. Our brain wants as far from pain as possible, even if pushing through that pain could gives us something great. Something we have longed for with every morsel of our being. Our brains care not for our heart, our souls. And which ever world you spend more time in is the one that will have the louder voice, the stronger presence. It will grow and become your dwelling, while the other is just a place you pass through once in awhile. Now, I had and still do, but not as much as I used to. Tend to find myself sleeping beside my destroyer. Its easier, its simple. It's the basic need of survival, eat, sleep, find a job, work, and stay alive. Destroy anything that will bring immense pain and hinder the process of natural impulses. That's it, but that world doesn't nourish my potential, my imagination, my creations. It only hides them, buries them beneath lie after lie. This world likes to pay the jester, always putting all my problems in life at the top, tricking me with sly thoughts of anxiety and sadness. Its like falling behind in class. You're homework builds up so you are constantly playing catch up. That's what my world tries to do to me, but with my personal issues. Its puts them all at the top and makes it seem impossible to catch up. It leaves me breathless in the lungs of my young soul. It tries to fabricate the idea, with amazing feat I might add, that it would be better if I just sank to the lies and built my home with among the prey.

But if I did that, I wouldn't be where I am today. And every morning I battle a thousand voices in this small chaotic slaughter of world. I have seen what the voices are capable of, I have seen the bodies of my creations sacrificed by their hands and displayed in the brutal execution of Blood Eagle. Strung up and pulled apart and hung for the vultures to feast upon as the voices cheer in victory. I have seen the voices raid my shores and tear me open. And it is a world I wish not to live in. It breathes lies, it wishes only the simple life, but simplicity comes with internal suffering. Don't believe me, ask someone who gave up on their dream and is living a simple life, working a job they hate more than themselves. Its torture, its soulful torture, its like every morning where you are waking up feeling as if the window has been open in the dead of a winters night and all you have is one blanket. No matter what you do, you cant get warm enough to enjoy life. And every morning, I have to fight against these voices that tell me to quit, that tell my I have nothing, that I am nothing. The constant snickering of small voices foaming at the mouth, salivating to take my soul. Some days they almost win, some days they drown in their own misery. I don't know what struggles you have to compete with, but I commend you for not stopping. These two worlds we have are constantly growing and shrinking and which ever one we listen to more, you are going to expand it, sending troops to conquer the other. Unfortunately it can only take a few small voices to change everything, just like it can take one rotten apple in a room to ruin them all. It just takes the one in charge to listen and take action to affect it all. Negative worlds are much easier to feel and share in the world. I think that is because we are all bound to face hardships and tragedies and so few actually dive into life to give themselves happiness. Which makes it difficult to relate to happiness. And unfortunately, too many are out in search for someone to agree with their pain so they can quit. And a hundred percent of the time, that person is themselves, but no one wants to be alone so they speak their foul thoughts onto others. Seeping their venom into others creations, thoughts, ideas, and worlds, selfishly trying to poison their water.

Constantly I am at battle between these two worlds, maybe no worse or no less than anyone else. But I have learned, that if I do not tend to my worlds correctly, if I do not intently water the gardens of my good, if I do not draw the shades open to my good. I will surely find myself lost to the dark seas of my weak. Writing is a beautiful passion of mine and I could not see myself without it anymore. My soul and my heart are always on the run to write, to find and build new ideas. But my world of destruction, is my body, which conspires all to often with my mind. My body quickly tires before my mind. But so easily can the body trick the mind if I do not give good reason to keep going. I must create great value in my writing, in my actions if I want to sustain my life, my passion. There is no easy way around it but to continually expand the good that lives within me. To continually feed my predator and and cut off the weak. To not let the rivers of passion run dry, the stars of imagination fade, nor the sun of love to explode. I struggle everyday to find the answer to keep going, sometimes it can be a simple laugh, a small idea, or even just a good read of a another's writing, of another's words to keep me going. I must maintain a watchful eye and a steady heart, and an ever learning mind. I must keep an open an ear to news lessons and kiss my wounds and move on. There are many small things I find to help push past the struggle to write and just as many to try and stop me. I am far from perfect and I fall many times and commune with my destroyer more than I would like to. But I am much better at passing through my world of destruction, than staying over night. Without the bad, we could not know good, without the broken, we could not know how to improve.

I cant lie, I am not a constant machine moving forward like a train, always on the right track, always writing, sometimes I break down and find myself lost. But keep an eye on my north star of my good world and follow it home. My writing is a journey for me and journeys never come without their lessons and struggles. Today was extremely tough to get out of bed. The voices were quite loud, but I managed to draw my shades open and blind the darkness that wakes long before I. Shadows follow us all, but we must not be frightened of them, for they are more frightened of us then we are them. They only grow darker if we draw our shades shut. And this morning my shades were close to being drawn shut. So many mental and physical distractions aim to stop me. The biggest one is this tiny voice that never rests, "whats the point, you haven't seen any success, just give up and go work for someone else? Kill your dream your thoughts have no weight in this world, no value you. You have failed yourself before and that still bares a scar upon you. Soon enough the world will know this, then what, what will you do then?"

Every single day that voice gnaws at my brain and pulls the nerves of my thoughts and tries to rip them from me and set them ablaze. Only to be swallowed by the shadows that feed on my suffering. I must always be ready for battle and the hardest one is inside of me. It will never go away and that I have learned well. But each battle I win, I grow stronger, and so does my passion along with me. One word at a time, one paragraph at a time, one page at at a time, one book at a time, that is how I win. My voices want me to sprint, but I am in a marathon for life, and I will not quit.

(If you are struggling with your passion or anything at all, do not quit. Life is waiting for you!)


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