Who am I? A Little Bit About Me
I was the kid that sat quiet in class, listened, and followed instructions to the T. To the point where getting in any kind of trouble frightened me. I had such a fear of any kind of authority that if I had to answer or even ask a question to my teacher in private, I would blush, sweat, and nervous tears would blur my vision. The first few years in school were not that bad. But, as time went on, school became more rough on a social aspect. I would say fourth grade is when I started seeing "clicks" in school. Certain people hangout with certain people. I was one of those kids that was part the nerd group. We liked video games, cards games, and other nerdy things. We never really went outside much either, except for recess or when our parents told us. I remember being able to sit in front of a screen playing video games for hours, I mean like twelve hours plus, if I could get away with it. As long as my parents didn't tell me to go outside. If it wasn't for having to eat and listen to my parents, I would have played video games till my body ate itself to death. Playing videos back in the day was something that would get you called a nerd and you would look weird to most the kids at school. It definitely didn't win points with ladies. But of course, now that has changed, you can make a living off videos games, I wish I still had the passion and dedication to play games like I used. I got pretty damn good during my younger years. Now I am just an average gamer who will play for couple hours here an there.
With video games being the "uncool" thing to do I never really socialized outside my circle, let alone ventured into the out door worlds as much as most the kids at my school. I never liked sports either, I used to dread football season, having to play sports was even worse. My dad was an avid football fan, and those four hours of the Seahawks seem like twenty. See, we only had one TV growing up and football was priority. I remember it feeling like I was being tortured during those hours of waiting to play video games. I would do everything to try and distract myself but I couldn't, all I would think about is video games. I would set a vivid image in my brain of the game, I could feel myself playing and running around with characters. Video games were my drug of choice as a kid.
Me not being very social led to a pretty safe and simple life till about 18. I will get into that in a bit, till then I am going to focus on my younger years. Growing up as a nerdy kid wasn't too bad, looking back I pretty much enjoyed my life. Even though I got picked on constantly the older I got. I had one thing going for me though for a few years, and that was my looks, at least during the elementary years. Then my awkward and shy personality killed that avenue after about the fifth grade. Sadly, I didn't notice it, but girls in elementary school did. I will never forget it, first grade was the biggest dating time of my life. I "dated" every girl in my class. More liked forced to date really. Every girl that liked me would have me hold their hand through the entire class. I look back on it and laugh now, but at that point I was nervous as hell. Then in second grade, I think it was second. I remember being at recess just hanging out with my little cup of goldfish, when I heard a stampede of feet coming toward me. It was pretty much the entire second grade class of girls running right at me at full force. It felt like that scene from The Lion King where Symba is in the middle of all the wilder-beast running. But I had a chance of getting away. I remember seeing them rushing at me, my eyes grew wide and I turned and ran down the hill to the baseball fields with my gold fish in hand trying not to spill them. I would look back once in a while and see a herd of girls chasing me and my heart man, my heart was pounding quick. I had no idea what they wanted from me, I was a nerdy second grade kid just trying to enjoy his snack of gold fish. And girls in general made me extremely nervous, I was that dorky kid that wouldn't know what to say or how to act when a girl I liked, or girls in general talked to me.
After a bit of running I was too tired to keep running so I behind a recess teacher and told her what was up. The recess teacher looked at me like I was crazy while the girls just stood all together like a pack of wolves waiting to pounce their prey. The recess teacher, I am pretty sure knew what was going on but was getting a laugh out of the situation. I don't blame her, I would have done the same thing. The whole situation was funny. Anyways, I stood by the recess teacher until the girls gave up. They gave up after about five minutes. Then, later I ended up "dating" one of the girls that was chasing pretty much the next day. Her name was Meg, who actually gave me my first kiss. She brought me up to the secret little thorn fort out at recess and gave me my first kiss. I don't remember what I did after she kissed me. I just remember her kissing me right on the cheek. Knowing me, I probably just sat nervously and blushed hard looking like a walking cherry.
Then, around third grade we moved out of our house into a more, well, not so healthy of a neighborhood. Crime was quite the thing around this neighborhood, but I was too young to really understand. Looking back now though, wow, I am surprised my parents ever let me and my sister play outside. Laving in this neighborhood caused me to have to go to a different school. A school that really was not an easy school as a kid. It was when I really got picked on and my whole image of myself changed. I was an extremely slow learning at math. Learning multiplication was hard, but learning long division was even harder. ( I still don't get it). Oh, and as you can probably tell, grammar isn't my thing either, that's why we have editors for the really important stuff. Now back to the story, in third I remember having to do times tables, like ten problems in five to ten minutes or something. I couldn't figure the problems out fast enough and always failed them. Until my friend Arthur helped me out. He would complete his and then take mine and do it for me. School was tough for me in general, now that I am older I know why, I am extremely creative and doing anything that limits my creative process just drains me. And third grade was when all my creative thoughts of myself dissipated and were shattered right at my feet. Third grade was also where I got called stupid for the first time by my own teacher. I don't remember why she called me it, but I can guess. I am pretty sure it was from not being able to do well on spelling quizzes or really any quiz or assignment really. I remember coming home crying one day because the teacher got angry at me. I told my mom, we went together to go talk to her. If my mind serves me right, her class was in a portable, it was dingy portable with open wood floor. Her desk sat in the back right corner, and I would look at her and instantly feel anxious. She was like a witch to me, and evil witch teacher. After that happened, I wouldn't even finish some assignments on purpose or turn them in late or do them all, not just because I didn't understand them. But asking for help wasn't something I did either.
Then again, in fifth grade I got called stupid again, but this time in front of the entire class. After that, I as home-schooled for a year. Sixth grade wasn't bad for me though, even though I barley skated by. Fast forward to seventh grade, I got back a math test in pre-algebra, or was it algebra, I cant remember. Doesn't matter anyways, I sucked at math, and quite honestly still do. But anyways, in seventh I got a math test back, which was probably my third or fourth one of the quarter and failed it once again. The teacher handed it to me and called me stupid. This all makes me laugh now, but at that point it killed me. I figured I would never amount to anything so why try. The rest of my school life, D's and F's were my favorite. Getting grounded was second. I ended up failing ninth grade and doing it again. I ended up taking my junior year with my senior year. Having to take night classes, and online classes, along with regular class. And of course summer school, which I took almost every summer my entire middle school to high school life.
But, I ended up passing and graduating on time. I passed my last exam drunk actually, not my best moment, but I past with a D+. Overall GPA I believe was 2.0. And it was a lot of work just for that. If I just had just pushed hard for four years of my life and stop letting someone else dictate what I thought of myself. Life would have been a lot simpler for me. But, it was a lot of dodging teachers, assignments, grades, and my parents, especially my dad. Once I graduated I really started to get into drinking. I think I drank more because it got me away from what I thought about myself, video games helped in the same way. But being a teenager, drinking ends up being more fun and has the "cool" status in social world. A year after high school I joined the Army. I guess growing up I always talked about joining the army and I did. I think subconsciously I wanted to join to make myself tougher and to become a strong man. And the army did help with that a lot, but I had a tough time adjusting to the life style, especially because of my more soft and creative side. I was never really a tough kid, now, I would say I am pretty tough emotionally and physically. I still have my soft side, but I have better control of it so it doesn't cause me to lose good opportunity and growth. My emotion for fear was a number one passenger with me for a long time. I cried a lot as a kid, and I mean a lot. I think its because my mom was over protective of me, every time I cried she would come to comfort me. Which, I cant blame her, its not like she meant to bring me up to be soft. She did what she thought was right.
While serving in the army I had to learn to hold tears back, it was tough, more than a few times I still cried and broke down. I ended up throwing a massive dream away because my emotions and feelings. And let me tell you, regret it was one pain you don't ever want to deal with. So, what ever you want out of life, let me tell you right now, you can make it happen, don't listen to those that say you cant. And really don't listen to the voices in your head that say you cant either. So, I threw away a massive dream in my army career, ended up being transferred from Columbus, GA, to Fort Lewis WA in 2008. In August of 2009 we were deployed. Boy, did I want to kill some of my leadership on that deployment. It was a deployment that messed with the stresses of the mind like no other. Everyone wanted to either kick someone ass or kill someone within the unit. It was just a huge mess and a pointless deployment overall, a huge waste of time. You will get to learn more about it in my biography I will be writing come 2018.
So, after deployment, we got back in August 2010. It was great to be back. We were told that we would never be the same. At the time, I didn't believe it I thought I felt the same. And I definitely wasn't. My drinking became way worse than before and all I wanted to do was get out of the army and start a new life. And in June 2011, I got out. I was free of all the government crap and free to do as I please. I thought for sure that it would be awesome and simple, far from it. I will get into massive detail about that as well in my biography book, until then, I will give you the gist. I moved in with a new friend in north Everett, which isn't the best part of town, but it was cheap. Then my drinking became my life, I was living on unemployment for an entire year. I didn't know what kind of job I would get, neither did I want to get one, a job felt like a waste of time. But honestly, drinking was a waste of time. My whole year right out of the army was a waste of time. I had plenty of good times, but enough emotional bad times to chalk me up as pathetic TV drama. And I had plenty of bad decisions that could have ended up with me being dead or in jail. And I did end up in jail for a very short stint, you always eventually get caught.
But as time went on I slowly saw drinking was ruining my life. It was so bad that hobbies and things I enjoyed were low priority. Drinking, sex, and drugs were my priority. And non of those things helped me better myself or my financial situation. My brand new 2008 civic SI got impounded because of my drinking. Friends stopped hanging out with me because of my drinking. Life turned very dark because of my drinking, to the point where death was warmer than life. Shadows clouded my thoughts and brimming clouds with heavy rain followed me everyday. If I didn't have a drink, there was no way I was leaving the house or going to smile. I would find what ever change I could to buy a cheap malt liquor beer and those things do not settle well in your stomach. I would even save McDonald's and Jack in the Box food in the fridge and heat it up. I was a pathetic mess looking for anyone to agree to my mess and fall with me.
Eventually I got into college and started working on my MBA, which I ended up graduating with a psychology degree. First year I was drinking in class, even in my 8 am classes. After that, something in me clicked. I didn't want to continue being an alcoholic mess. I started writing poems on randoms pieces of paper about my pain and my own selfish thoughts. Then, in my second year I saw out helped through therapy. That lasted six month till my therapist had to go complete their MA. Once they were gone, I tried to find someone else, but it didn't work. 2013-2015, was a dark period much like 2011, 2012 I was somewhat on track with school and life besides the drinking. But this time I had more money to live off of. So I had a more stable mindset, I wasn't stressing about bills or where I was going to get food from.
But I was drinking heavily again. To the point where I would either drink myself to sleep, or drink/cry myself to sleep. It was not pretty in any light. And it only got worse after the first girl I ever loved, didn't feel the same. I broke in two and drank like the world was going to end. I never had felt such a pain in my heart. It was different than any other pain I had experienced. To this day, that fear of that pain still follows me. But I am on the track of getting rid of it. Then. near the end of 2015, I started writing a lot and that started putting me on track. From that I started following inspirational people online, like, Tony Robbins, Les Brown, and ET the hip Preacher. I say it was a pinnacle turn of events that year. I wasn't struggling too bad in school, just the usual overload of brain work and homework and keeping up with it all. My drinking was in decent control, I was too busy writing and doing homework to really drink.
Then, near the end of 2016, I found my old therapist. Things got even better from there. Between my writing and my therapy and keeping myself productive with positive action, life is starting to become what I want it to be. I have written and published my first book, I am almost finished with my second, and I graduated college. I am still
far from having the life I truly want, but I am going to obtain it no matter what.